I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I supernannyed him into submission
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
