I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
