So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
