I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize