totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
