After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize