my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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