just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
