I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
