we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
