the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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