i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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