I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
