I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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