i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
