Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
