My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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