if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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