I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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