Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize