Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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