is your mom at the bar?
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The adults are the big ones right?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
