I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Holy shit dude........stairs
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
