I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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