Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
