in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
