I got chris browned last night
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
