what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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