she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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