I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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