I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
