You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
