The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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