I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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