in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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