This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
