Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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