and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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