FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
