good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
