Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
