I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
