her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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