I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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