hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
