in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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