When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
