before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
