I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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