I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
