It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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