If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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