His pubic hair was longer than his dick
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
