I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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