good thing vaginas are great cup holders
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize