my mouth tastes like poor choices
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
