Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
