I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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