I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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