I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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