I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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